illusion. .

something is wrong with me now a days.

I had a weak memory for always. but guess its getting worse. its effecting my job, home and in everything, now a days.

2 days back, i forgot to go to job! It happened for the first time in last 4 years(in job). i was frighten like hell,that my manager will fire me. because,just 3 days before this, i got 30 minutes late for job for no reason. which i never did before.

my job was at 6 pm. when i didn't go, she called me at 6:08 pm. I did not pick. was trying to guess,why she called me. cause, anyhow i forgot that i really had job that day! later on i tried thinking a lot. and find out,i actually had job that day!
I don't believe,i was making plans to lie to my manager,for the first time! i was trying to create excuses to convey her,for why i could not go to job.
anyways,i called her back at 10:30 pm (when our shop closes). i was hell lot frighten and was highly pissed on myself. thankfully,she talked calmly and said 'hmm. it was ok. as the shop wasn't busy today.' i was like 'phew!!'.
Thank god she didn't get angry. and most of all thank god,for i did not had to lie.

this is not all. i think something, and i do something. from last few days, i recognized, i do things which i think i should not do. i start thinking that, i shouldn't do this. i keep thinking. . and when i recognize, i see i have already done it!=(

yesterday, i was thinking i am eating rice (in dinner). i was lost in some thinking(don't know what), and till i recognized, i found me drinking water!

lol !! funny and irritated at the same time. something is wrong with me for sure. i am always lost somewhere. . somewhere i don't know.

Am i getting mad?
does all my memories are fading away?
where actually i am going to?
what actually i am up to?

hmm. . . i really gotta look for my answers.
but just then, when i will come out from what i am into. =(

ghumiye poreche ghum aamar!

In all of the diseases i passed through,"sleepless night's" troubles me the most. I really can't sleep at night. Many reasons are behind. It wasn't like this before,when i was in Bangladesh, 7 years back. everything was systematic at that time. but,just after I came here in Japan,everything got changed. Sleeping problem,health problem and many more. though I like Japan now,but at the very first time when i came here, I used to hate japan. actually not hate, but i used to miss my home in Bangladesh so much,that i never thought about Japan,even being in here. my mind,my heart all was there in BD. if you take a 13 years old girl away from her home,school,friends,cousins,everything that she loved, to a whole new place,where she is totally new, it's normal that she wont like the new place. may be,later on she will,with time (as i am).

At the very first time when i was brought to Japan, I used to cry everyday, that I wanna go back to Bd. I didn't used to talk with my dad, that why he brought me here,when he knows I have my studies there in Bd. I was angry on my mom, that why she didn't help me to stay back there in home,till just I could finish my studies. and most of all, I used to miss my friends. it was a very big deal for me,at that time. I used to study by myself. i was preparing for my SSC exams staying here in Japan. later on, i was taken to Bd for my SSC exams.

just before 1 month of exams, we went to Bd. though i used to study here as i brought my books,when i came in japan. but,i couldn't study as well,as much, as it was required. so,after going to Bd, I studied day 'n night for that whole 1 month. everyone has supported me a lot. and after exams, again we came back to Japan. I had a call from Bd,after three months of exams, that i was passed with 'A grade' in SSC. and those girls of my school,who sat before and behind me during exams,they were failed.
I was very happy at that day. I wasn't happy cause they failed and I passed, but I was happy because, they had a great opportunity to study for whole 2 years,which i didn't had. they could study very well in those 2 years,which i did only in 1 month just before the exam.

anyways,so Japan gave me many things,that i couldn't get being in Bd, and Japan took many things from me,that i could have only being in Bd! as i knew i had to live here anyhow, happily or sadly. so i decided to know japan more,and stay here happily. and later on,i really started to like japan.

but, this sleepless nights costs me a lot. when whole world sleeps at night,i wake up,sitting in front of this computer and just kill time. may be,around 4 or 5 am i go to bed,and after doing this side 'n that side for another 1/2 hours,i finally fell asleep. sometimes when i am very tired, luckily i can sleep early,at 3 am! :)

as usual, yesterday night I wasn't feeling sleepy at all,though I was very tired. so,at around 4:30 am I thought to write what I had in mind about this sleep thing. so,just wrote it up.

here it is,

~

ghumiye poreche ghum aamar,
aashena chokhe ghum aamar
boshe boshe hoyeche shokaal,
kothaye gelo ghum aamar?

shtobdho raate shara prithibi jokhon,
klanto hoye shuye thaakte mogon..
boshe thaaki aami ghum'er aashaye,
ekhon naa,to aashbe kokhon?

computar'er key-ra betha'ye kaator,
chair-ta'r komor'o hoyeche baka!
chokh aar haath duto thaame na tobu,
cholte thake obiraam,ei raat-er'o bela!

duty shesh kore,jokhon shuye porbe raat,
shurjo jokhon uki dibe janalaaye aamar,
shara prithibi jokhon jhapti mere jege uthbe,
shob maanush-gulo jokhon chutbe rozgaar'e,
'hothat chokh duto bondo hoye aashbe aamar!
shara shorir bondho kore dibe shob kaaj!
ghum'er jeno bhengeche ghum eibaar,
ghum paraabe,aamar chokh duto-ke eibaar!
showbaar jonno ekhon shokaal,to ki?
shokaal belaa'i to hoye aamar raat! :)

~

I'll explain this later in English. for now,i gotta get fresh and eat something. feeling so hungry :-s.

ciao~

onubhuti...(feelings)

when you meet someone for the first time,they ask you many questions. like, 'what is your name?' or 'what do you do?' or may be like, 'where are you from?'. these are very common questions. and probably all of us ask each other when we meet someone for the first time.
Same thing happened with me many times as well. I usually don't meet a new person easily,in my real life,to carry on a relationship with. ofcourse,i get to meet many people in my job. but as it is like,i dont need to know any such detail about them,so, i never got to ask these questions to any of the people i meet everyday.nor,any of them asks me.

as i work as a counter girl in KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken),its normal for me to meet many new faces everyday. many happy faces,many sad faces, many bored faces,many tired faces, many frustrated faces i see everyday. and all of them are same for me,as being my customer. i deal with any person with any kinda mood above,with a smile,always. this is the rule of KFC. you should keep smiling,even if you are well or not( no matter physically or mentally!). A smile is the only thing that can be given or taken for 'free'. anyways, so as being a counter girl,our work is,with any kinda mood,face,behavior customer comes to you,that shouldn't matter to you. and you must smile for him/her with full of your heart,and talk sweetly,while dealing properly. as they says,customer is our God.

so,beside my KFC job,i like my job of smiling always. when some people comes with a frustrated face,and sees us dealing with them still sweetly with a smile,i see them smiling too,while leaving!'don't you think,that sweet smile to that frustrated face,was given by me?',my heart says to me,at that moment.and i feel really good giving them a smile. and this is why,i love my job so much.

anyhow internet life means more to me,then my real life.I got few wonderful friends here on Yahoo and Orkut. and as you know,you can't see each other's face,when you meet someone through internet.so,people usually asks many question to each other,when they meet someone,for the first time. and after they gets to know each other a little bit or properly(up to person),they starts a relationship. probably we name such relationship as 'friendship' for the very first time.

so when,i meet a new person on internet,they asks me many questions to know me. when i was new on Yahoo or Orkut,i used to answer their questions. i don't mind answering actually.'asking' is a tuff job for me,which i do hardly. for me,i don't think,i should know a person's biodata to call him/her as my friend. so,i never got to ask any question like,'what do you do' or 'where are you from' to anyone. as i said,i used to answer to those questions at first time.but,now i don't do so anymore. it has been 4/5 years of mine, being in this internet life.now,when any new person asks me any usual question on the first meeting,i simply ignore him.

it was interesting for me to chat,when i was new in yahoo. but,no more now. you can say,i am fed up of chatting or meeting new people. and no more interested to make any new friend. i want to be good and understanding enough for those who are already my friends and once they gets totally satisfied with my friendship,then i don't mind having few more new friends. well,may be,i myself is not satisfied yet with my friendship level towards my friends. so,no more i want new friends. i actually have no idea yet,what is friendship?

i have always been happy with what i had or was given to me. i remember,as well mom says sometimes,that i never asked for any money or a chocolate or a toy ever,when i was a kid. i was happy with what i was given. yes,i had wishes. i still have many. but,i never had any kind of adamant to fulfill them ever,though it sounds odd,but it is so with me. as things came to me,with my wish or without my wish,i accepted it. i still,wait for my freedom,which i didn't have yet. yeah, 'wait'. this word had a deep relationship with me for always. i have a good patience level. and,guess it is the only thing,i like in myself. i believe,'sabr ka phal meetha hota hain' :) .

still,I used to be very kiddish in many ways even,till about 1 year ago. being selfish,talking stupid things to my close ones,crying whole night for silly reasons and many more stupidity did. but,i think i am no more. things made my strong with the time i passed by. many things i got to know, got to realize, many thing i saw, i felt,i learnt. and now,small reasons doesn't make me weep for whole night. i got to realize other person's feelings,rather then being selfish. ofocurse,i am still kiddish sometimes,but on time,up to person,and up to things.(I should mention.'i hope so.')

if i am changed today,and luckily in a good way,that is cause of my Love. my love taught me many many things. i was lucky,i happened to love someone like my boyfriend. he is the one,who taught me many things,made me feel things that i never even thought i could feel. he made me strong,he made me brave. all in total,he gave me those fairy tales :). what every girl waits for,years! i am lucky,i got to meet him,in a very early age(16). rather i regret,why i didn't meet him earlier!

any possible word is less enough to explain your love. even 'love' the word itself will be short enough to explain my love.

I take things very smoothly now. and trust me,i love it! i love the way i don't cry for hours now,after having a small fight with my boyfriend,anymore. rather,we got to handle things more nicely and maturely,now. and i love it. :D

~

it feels nice to write things in details,that you had/have in your mind. i felt nice writing things here on my blog. i don't write for to,people may read my posts. but i write for,i may feel good. and i am doing :).

so i will end here today~

Memories..

yesterday i was talking with my cousin sis Urmy on phone.. she was saying me, 'try to call on 13th if you can. it's aunty's birthday on 13th. i was looking at our family diary, and saw everyone's birth date. so, got to know about aunty's birthday. and, 12th was chotopapa's birthday'. i kept replying her,like 'ohh,accha..', 'i see', 'is it?'. but suddenly,when she said about chotopapa, we both got quiet for a few second. didn't get what to say. then i was like,'ohh,is it?'.. she said,'yeah,i saw on diary'.
then we talked for more sometime about another things and and hung up.

after I got to know about chotopapa's birthday. i wasn't feeling good.

'choto' means 'younger/small/little' in Bangla.i used to call my uncle as 'chotopapa'. he was my dad's younger brother.and for me,he was,no actually,he IS more then my father.

when my grandpa passed away,i was like about of 6/7 years. i didn't cry that day,cause of i was going to miss him or i was upset that he is no more. but,i remember,i was trying hard to bring some tears in my eyes,seeing my mom,my grandma,my aunties,my cousins, crying! but,i was failed to bring some tears. and, it didn't make a big difference to me actually,after my grandpa passed away. even,i don't remember anything of my that age,much.

- but yeah,now i am old enough to cry for a reason,that makes me upset.

I remember that day well. it was 2nd of November. I was sleeping in my room, my mom and dad was sleeping in there room with my younger brother. guess,it was about 11 am, when our phone ranged. my mom picked up the phone. it was some of her very far known cousin on phone,from London. he was saying sorry to mom,for her brother-in-law[my chotopapa],that he is no more. and he was saying, my mom should be strong and take care of my dad.
my mom was quite shocked hearing this. she was like, 'what are you talking about? 2 days back i called home,they said Hassan bhai is fine.' now,my mom's cousin was little confused too. he said, 'I am sorry dear, if i am wrong. but i just heard it from your sister,yesterday night. so i thought i should call you. please call your home,and confirm about the news. '
till then,i was awaken. because of my mom's unique voice. when she shouts[with worry,in shock or in anger], no one in this world has guts to sleep! I was wondering what's going on. till then she said everything to dad, and was going to call my grandma's home in Bangladesh.

she called, and she started crying on phone,while asking 'how is Hassan bhai mummy?' guess,my grandma was also crying. saying,he is no more. my mom made a odd noise with a huge volume hearing that, i remember.

now i was confirmed about the news,sitting in my room only.

didn't knew what to do,what to say,how to react. this time i didn't had to work hard to bring tears in my eyes. as they stared flowing before i cud recognize,i was crying. unknowingly,i started thinking about my childhood. my past days,when we used to live together (we had an attached family. my grandma,me and my mom, chotopapa,chotomummy and their daughter Chandni, we used to live together. and my dad was here,in Japan.)

i could remember those days,when chotopapa used to bring same chocolate,same dress for me and chandni. he never made any difference in between me and his daughter chandni. he always behaved the same with me,as he used to to do with chandni. i remember,when he used to bring something specially for us,he used to call me from the third floor.(his family used to live in the third floor and we were in second floor.) he used to call like, 'Ritu! upore aasho to ektu!' and, i just used to wait for the moment he call me! and i used to run,leaving book or just anything. i knew,he brought something for me,so he called. used to become very happy,knowing i am going to get some yummy chocolates.
what else! he used to give us anything he brought and as u know,chocolate can make any possible kid happy :). same was for me and chandni.

though,my dad used to live here in Japan. i never missed him. i never felt,i need my father with me. why would i have felt so? my chotopapa was there with me always. just like my own father! he never let me feel bad,for my father lived far away from me. and i even was quite happy without my dad.

I could never explain,what all my chotaopapa did for me. or what he means to me. all above i wrote,is nothing in front of what i really feel.

I respect him more then anyone else is this world. he taught me many things.
his death was a shock for me. i could never imagine,we will lose him so early.

when urmy said me about his birthday on 12th august. i was wondering, about this birth and death thing. why do we born,when we have to die one day? or when we know,we will be dead one day,why we are so much eager to live?

why from now on,2nd November will be more important for us,then 12th August?..

well..i wasn't a very good thinker ever. nor i am. i don't think much about anything.the way things comes to me,i take it. good things makes me smile,bad things makes upset. i am just an another girl.

but, chotopapa's death made me learn many things. taught me,how to face such situations. how to be strong even after losing a precious part of your life.and yeah,his death made me to think on things,which i have never thought about before.

yeah,i miss him.
i miss him so much,whenever i think or talk about him,i cry.
i die to hear him calling me 'Ritu!'..
when i am upset. i miss him saying me,'arre o pagli. don't worry. everything will be alright.'
i miss the sweetest smile of my chotopapa.
i miss my father in chotopapa.

last time when i went to Bangladesh alone, he was very sick. he was on coma at first. then,after he came in sense.he was out of his memory.

but,i could never ever forget about that moment. when i entered the room for first time,after i went from japan, i saw chotopapa was lying on the bed,and chotomummy and many other of our relatives were there standing around the bed.(they kept him in our room in the 2nd floor,as we wasn't there,and it was tough to take him to hospital always from the third floor. he couldn't walk properly after he fell sick.)
i saw chotomummy was holding chotopapa's hand,which was shivering endlessly. she said, ' jaan dekho kon aayi hain tumse milne!.. Ritu!.. dekho!..' but,chotopapa didn't look at me. he was only looking at the ceiling fan. i don't know,what he was trying to find in that fan,which was moving with a very slow speed. he wasn't saying anything. he was supposed to be very happy,seeing me after 2/3 years.but,i couldn't see him smiling.
I sat beside him,hold his other hand,and i said 'chotopapa!'. he still,didn't say anything or didn't even reacted. i started crying making noise. everyone around me,started crying too, keeping hand on my shoulder,saying,'don't worry dear,he'll be alright. he remembers you. he didn't forget you.'
i was wondering,did he really forgot me?
suddenly,that silent room smiles up with wonder, when chotopapa starts shouting on me,saying 'arre o pagli,why are you crying? I am not dead yet. stop crying right now. i didn't forget you!'.. i start smiling,while having tears in my eyes. saying,'no am not crying at all'.

i was very happy at that time, when he called me like 'arre o pagli' as he used to do always. everyone was shocked seeing him talking,after so many days. and most of all,remembering me.
i will never forget about that moment.

He wont ever come back to us. but his memories are with us forever

just like that song,

'iiye yaadein kisi dil-o-janam ke,
chale jaane ke baad aati hain..'


some people says,Good person die soon. may be they are right.

I always pray,wherever chotopapa is now,he stay happily.
I know,he is always there beside me.

I actually dont have a proper ending of this post. don't know,what to write as the end.

so i will end here.